i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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