He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
