Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
