No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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