Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
