I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
this hospital has no fireball
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
