what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
