I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
