if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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