is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I need to stop coming to work sober
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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