I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
