wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
