Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
