Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
