well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
we're so committed to being not committed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
