imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
