I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Be still, my beating vagina.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
