Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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