Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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