we have officially lost it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize