I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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