I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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