I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
