Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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