I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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