i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
