remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
