Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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