we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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