God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
