You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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