i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
