I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
