gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
