my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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