I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
