Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
