How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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