Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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