Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
