hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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