I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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