Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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