I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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