Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
