I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
