i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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