Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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