I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
