I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
