I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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