Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
