I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize