Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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