Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize