Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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