life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
