theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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