my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
