Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
