fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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