I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
