You just made me feel so damn special
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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