I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
