i would punch a child for taco bell
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize